I don't want Jason to read this...

我忍住的情绪在很后面

拼命想挽回的从前

在我脸上依旧清晰可见

How much wrong can I do more?
Is there even a right or wrong for this?

Jason's messages can only start with, "I don't know..."
I have caused many pains before but this is perhaps the worst I've ever did. (And probably the last. Cos' it's either this and/or no more...)

"I don't know what to do about us...After so much trying, it is still the same beginning."
This is his message after our meeting yesterday. We walked and walked but we couldn't find the courage to talk to each other.

The same beginning.
He is right.
It is still the same beginning, even after 4 years, the same knot is still unresolved.
My knot.

This year...There are more unpleasantries than expected and the worse began since April 23rd.
Ironically on our monthly anniversary, our relationship was challenged.
Friends who know this, should need no explaination. All I could say is it is not resolved, as much as I thought it was, or believed it is.

Putting the other guy aside, I figured the problem lies between me & Jason. Or rather me for Jason.
I could have swore if there isn't Ronald or the reappearance of him, I could go on like this forever.
I didn't admit that I love Jason as much as he loves me. I know I didn't but I thought I could be with him forever. It is after all a bliss to find someone who really loves you.
There is no reappearance of Ronald after all these years. Not that I wanna see him again as much as it has been a wish. An unfulfilled wish then.

Maybe it is the unfulfilled wish that changes everything. I believed if there is one true love, even if it is not reciprocated or so, the second one that comes by won't be the same. Not being the same doesn't mean it is not equally heavy just that someone was there first.
Maybe it has to do with how much I want to be his friend, how much I want to talk to him, how much I wish to be with him that remained deep inside. The root of everything.

I don't think I will like someone that much again. That boy's appearance really shocked me from within. I can't tell you where they (Ronald & him) are alike. Was it the height? The eyes? The nose? The voice? Or rather that kinda feeling that connects me when I first saw Ronald?
I dunno if you people can understand how it means to me.
Yes. I am not stupid. He is not Ronald but I NEVER took him as Ronald.
Maybe initially I was confused. Who wouldn't? But I know he isn't Ronald and I never really get to know Ronald from the beginning.

But I kinda selfishly took it as a chance to realise what I haven't in the past. I talked to him, I smiled to him, we even had a walk together during lunch.I kinda initiated everything and you think I probably did that on purpose.
I wouldn't say it was totally unintentional but it was uncontrollable..somehow. How would you stay rational and not rule over by the heart when someone that close was so close to you?
This is the heart's problem.

Soon he went away. He gladly took the opportunity to be attached out from the office. I was upset but guess content in a way. That was when Jason & I experienced the first fall and somehow we managed to scrap through it. Or so I thought.
I be honest with you. During those months, I have not gave up missing him. I wish I could but there would still be days I missed him. Then I consoled myself with the what I have and that is Jason. I never wanna make Jason unhappy with this so I kept this missing, those words...within.

Go ahead and tell me it is a joke? Somehow by a twist of plot, we got in contact again. First it was like a friend, I tell myself. I kept in contact with friends and this should not be more than that.
I don't wanna go on explaining how it is like cos' this should solely be private.
What matters is now.

I asked Jason if he would leave me?
"No..Unless you told me to.."
I asked Jason if he would hate and blame me if the day comes?
"No...it's not like I haven't prepared for it..."

Tell me what should I do. I wouldn't bear hope that perhaps me would get together with another one. Even if it is that boy, the future would be quite uncertain and I can't imagined. And no...I am not saying he likes me even.
But rather tell me what should I do with Jason and me?

Part of me comes crashing down if this relationship falls. But I can't bear the thought of going on to hurt him anymore.
Forget about that boy and carry on?
The reason that I didnt forget him was not totally all about Ronald. If you understand me, it is the feeling. That was the source.

I don't want Jason to read this but I can't pretend or denying him from knowing everything. If I can't tell him face to face, the least I could do is to let him read.
Even if this is most hurting to read...I guess he must read.

I am not afraid that he leaves me. I am not afraid of being alone. These 4 years..so many memories, so many habits...But I dont wanna lie to him. He doesnt wanna leave me when I have nothing and I dont wanna leave him when I have another thing to "cling" on to.

Suddenly I feel that somewhat the plot has been laid and I am just waiting to play along. As if everything has been written in the stars..as if I am born to hurt those who love me but not get the love I want.

Ke yi de hua...Wo zhen de xiang duo qi lai. Amidst of all these emotions bad run, I am still pretending to get on fine outside, doing what I should do.
This is so...if you have no better control, fucking crazy.

How long do I have to play along?